Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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