This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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