im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The feeling are messing with the penis
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
