Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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