I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize