I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
