I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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