So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
