I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
