it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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