There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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