Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
