i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
