I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
only you would photoshop your dick
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
