On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
