i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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