And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
