We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
