I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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