I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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