2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
