hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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