So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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