Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
handjob tips. give me some.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
