we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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