I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
