I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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