I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
