The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
