she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize