I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
