he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
