I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
