I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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