did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
