yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i want to swaddle you in tequila
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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