The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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