We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
