I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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