At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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