Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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