Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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