Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
