I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize