sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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