is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
