so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize