i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
