I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
