According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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