stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
