Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
