there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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