i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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