It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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