Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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