i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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