Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
There r osticjed everywhere
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
