I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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