I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
