She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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